Dear Mom, Love Toddler

Dear Mom,

GOOOOD MORRRNNNING!!  Oh, btw, I hate mornings now.  And it’s all your fault so I’m going to be spending the first 20 minutes of the day screaming at you.

Now feed me.  I’d like a banana this morning.  ALL DONE BANANA!  How dare you give me a banana?!  I clearly did not want that.  You must not love me.

I want milk please.  See how kind I was and said please?  Oh wait, this is the wrong cup, I wanted it in the blue cup!  The only way to express my displeasure in this is to throw the cup across the room, splurting milk everywhere as it goes.

You look tired this morning.  I’ll help you make your coffee!!  I’ll push the button!  I know your back hurts, but if you could please lift me to the counter so that I can press the button you already pressed to make the coffee start even though it’s already going.  Yay!!

I want to go potty. … oh wait, you thought when I said that I wanted to go in the actual potty.  Oh no, sweet mom.  I want to sit on the potty and play with the toilet paper and flush handle for 20 minutes, and then poop in my diaper.

So I know you said that because the baby is sleeping we should be quiet, but I had a better idea.  I woke up the baby!!  Now he’s crying hysterically because he wasn’t ready to be awake, BUT we can be as loud as we want!  Isn’t it great!  …. You might want to go take care of him, he seems mad.

Time to go out!!  I want to wear my batman shoes.  And ONLY my batman shoes.  You’ll have to find them or we can’t go anywhere.  BTW, I hid them.

I’m almost ready to get in the car, but I need to find all my buddies first.  Mickey, Second Mickey, Olaf, Sven, Big Bert, My Sock, Tonka Truck, Moose, Your Hair Brush.  What do you mean I can only bring one?!  Fine… I’ll bring Teddy Bear…. but I have to find him first.

Okay, now I’m ready!  Wait… you mean we have to get in the car?!  Well, I’m only do that if you let me drive.  I WANNA DRIIVVEE.  Since you value my safety above my wants, I’m going to make putting me in the car seat a full cardio workout for you today.  You’ve been looking a little squishy lately anyway.  You’re welcome.

Oh hey, Daddy’s home!!  I’m going to go take a 3 hour nap now, at the same exact time as my brother, without any argument.

Love you lots!

Your Toddler.

Dear Mom


5 thoughts on “Dear Mom, Love Toddler

  1. This is just the best thing ever. Absolutely loved it. Laughed my butt off.

    Exactly what I needed to read in the middle of the work day.


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