Wholly Surrender

Any parent of a toddler knows that you cannot force a kid to do anything with a smile.  If you want them to get to the car and they are dead set on driving (but being 2, they just aren’t quiet old enough yet), odds are you are going to be carrying that kid kicking and screaming to the back seat.  You may even have to tackle them into the straps and endure about 20 minutes of screaming as you journey to your destination (and for your sake, I’m praying that destination has coffee…. or wine.)

Did the goal get accomplished?  Yes.  The kid got in the seat and you got wherever you needed to go.  Was it pleasant?  No.  Would you want to repeat it?  No.  Did anyone learn anything of value?  Meh, probably not.  Do you have a headache?  YEEES.

If you’ve been following my blog or instagram, you know that I’ve returned to work teaching students with special needs an elementary school.  I didn’t want to go back to work.  It wasn’t my idea [for more details on that, read my post Me Vs. God].  But it was very very clearly what God was asking me to do.  After a lot of back and forth, I decided, “okay God, I surrender.”

And I was pretty sure I had.  I did what he wanted.

But not gonna lie to you, I’ve been kicking and screaming along the way.  And I’m TIRED.

Yes, I’ve been going to work everyday (except for the two days… the first week of school… that the plague hit our house… ).  I’ve put in my all.  I’ve stayed up late.  I’ve tried to make everything perfect.

And I’ve fallen short.  And when I fall short, I fall apart.  When I don’t have the kind of control I want, I fall apart.

See, I was pretty much okay with giving in to what God wanted, as long as I could do it on my terms.  My terms mean that my class will run without issue, I won’t be staying up until 2:30 or 3, only to get to school to realize that nothing I did actually mattered or I did it wrong.  My terms were “As long as I can be the best at this and it is easy and everything goes smoothly”.

God’s terms I’m pretty sure are different.  Yes, we might both be heading toward the same destination, but I’m thinking that I’m behaving as the toddler and creating more of a headache for both of us.

And so, I’m trying to remember God’s purpose here.  It’s not so that I can have an easy year and bring home a paycheck.  It’s hopefully so that I can be used by Him to love my students and my coworkers.  So that I can make an impact that will direct their eyes toward Him.

In public school, we aren’t allowed to say His Name.  But we are allowed to pray for our students.  We are allowed to love them.  We are allowed to show them grace.

So here’s to ending the kicking and screaming and wishing I had a group of well behaved kiddos.  These kids are people too and come to school with their own set of baggage and difficulties.  I don’t know what goes on at home, but I do know that while I have them in my classroom I can love them as Christ does.


Grace and R.B. Face

I feel a poem coming on

There must be something seriously wrong.

I don’t normally write in rhyme

I don’t normally have the time

So all you working mommas out there,

Come take a seat with Mrs. Fehr.

Please remember, criss-cross applesauce,

Oh, and that deadline from your boss.

The kids come first, paperwork is due,

Today was not the day to wear new shoe (s).

“Mommy I want to hold you”

That’s the only thing I want to do,

But the dishes are overflowing,

Your dad’s out mowing,

The baby is screeching

Your little arms are reaching.

It’s 12am

Finally some peace and quiet again.

Time to get that paperwork done

So maybe tomorrow you can have some fun.

This poem was supposed to be funny

Let’s definitely not talk about money.

Sometimes poems take a life of their own

just like those kids that one day will be grown.

It’s okay to not be perfect, it’s okay to let a few things slide

A pan a brownies doesn’t really show up on your thighs.

So go brew the coffee

Maybe eat a toffee,

And give yourself some grace

Otherwise you might end up with Resting B**** Face :0 !


This Year Barbara Will…

As a special education teacher, I had to take classes in college that were about writing appropriate goals for students.  “Given  hmmmmm Student will hmmmmm by or over hmmmmmmm” (Thanks Dr. Meese!)

I think that it’s only appropriate that I have goals this year too… Enjoy!

  1.  Given [an IV of coffee] Barbara will [not become jittery, but instead become super human and have all the energy and knowledge available to man kind] by the end of the 2016-2017 school year.
  1. Given [two weeks packed with professional development and teacher meetings] Barbara will [refrain from playing Faculty Meeting Bingo even though without it her head might just explode] by the end of faculty/professional dev week.
  1. Given [five minutes in the morning] Barbara will [write a blog? shower? wash bottles? brush teeth? drink coffee?…. write a blog/drink coffee] over the course of each morning that she is awake BEFORE 5AMMMMMM.
  1. Given [$10 and freedom in the grocery store] Barbara will [buy two bags of Hershey Kisses, eat them, and discover cavities the next morning] by…  over… okay, so my creative brains are running out.  Oh look there’s a two left in the bag!! *Cue Frozen* mmmmmmm choocolate!
  1. Given [a blog idea in the middle of the night and waking up too late to do anything about it in the morning] Barbara will [waste time, let the bottles soak in the sink, not get dressed until the last minute, be okay with yesterday’s makeup, and write the blog because it is OBVIOUSLY much more important than any of those other things] by 7:45 am when the baby sitter gets here and I really do need to get ready for work. 😉

BONUS:  Given [little time to format the blog] Barbara will [let the numbers all say 1 instead of 1-5 because I’m not sure how that happened or how to fix it] by the time she’s run out of things to say.

Thank you to Pinterest for this pic!  I’m pretty sure I’ll be making one and hanging it in my classroom (not where the kiddos can see obvi 😉 ).

I Don’t See You


Dear mom whose child is sitting in the middle of the cart return at Kroger, screaming because he can see the carts that have cars attached and you horrible villain want him to sit in the regular cart…. I don’t see you.

Dear mom who is hiding in her kitchen eating an entire batch of cookies that you hid in the freezer so you wouldn’t eat them…. I don’t see you.

Dear mom whose face is covered in “boo-boos” because you fell asleep last night next to the nursing baby without remembering to wash your face…. I kinda don’t want to see you.

Dear mom… those “boo-boos” might also be caused by eating all of those cookies…. just sayin.

Dear mom who went out in public wearing the same leggings and t-shirt you’ve worn for the past 3 days, and you’ve attempted to cover the “dirty laundry” smell with Victoria’s Secret Dream Angels Heavenly (that you may have gotten in high school 12+ years ago and you still haven’t used up the bottle yet… maybe it’s time to start smelling like a grown-up?)… I don’t see you… I might smell you though.

Dear mom who is frantically trying to find just a few minutes in between meetings to pump for your baby… and is now sitting on top of a toilet seat meant for a 5-year-old holding onto the pump hoping nothing spills on your work clothes… I promise I don’t see you (cause that would be creepy).

Dear mom who had to go out and buy mascara full of chemicals because you can’t be in work with it dripping down your face from crying sessions so you had to go out and buy the waterproof kind… When I look in the mirror, I see you.

I don’t see you all the time because I AM YOU, and sometimes I just don’t want to see myself.  BUT I want you to know that we are in this together!  You are not alone in all of the crazy you do every day just to survive.  I’m there too!


“You are my refuge and my shield.  I have put my hope in Your Word.” Psalm 119:114