Grateful for the ones I have, but…

Each night as I put my children to sleep I pray for them, with them.  I thank God for all the wonderful qualities of their personalities (even the ones I often find challenging).  I ask Him to keep them safe and to allow them good sleep.  That He would help me parent them so that they will one day be men who love Him.

Within the last 5 months or so, I’ve added to that prayer.  “Dear God, thank you so much for this child that I get to hold.  Thank you that I got to spend today with him.  Thank you that I get to hold him in my arms.”

I’ve always appreciated the gift it is to have my boys.  But up until recently it wasn’t as emotional or even painful as it is now.  Losing two babies before you get to hold them does that. The babies I don’t get to hold.  I’ll never know, in this life, their personalities or the wonderful qualities that will drive my human self crazy. How is there a hole when the space had barely been created?

I’m reading a book that talks about focusing on the future, but it’s so difficult to let go of the might have beens.  I used to get so excited for people when they posted on social media about their coming soon additions, or pictures of perfectly tiny newborns.  And I’m still genuinely happy for those people.  But now it is mixed with pain.  Mixed with a reminder.  My baby isn’t coming in November, or February.  The only bump I have is from the pan of brownies I made and my lack of exercise.

Not every day is so emotionally driven, or so painful.  In fact some days go without deep thought about it.  But then it comes and hits me out of nowhere and I wasn’t expecting to still feel so deeply, which seems to make it worse.

Last night I was sharing with my husband the frustrations of the day, none of the highlights.  I couldn’t seem to find or focus on the positive.  I’m still struggling.  But after a few minutes of talking I was finally able to verbalize that really the whole day had just been a normal day, but this overwhelming depression about what could have been is just debilitating.  How do you be positive and motivated when there is always an underlying reminder of what isn’t.

I don’t know.  I don’t have any answers tonight.  But writing things out helps.  Putting it in words helps.  Maybe it will help someone else too.

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