The Joys of Potty Training

Dear Friend,

I heard that you are thinking about starting the potty training process with your dear little angel.  The one who is so smart and seems to pick up on things so quickly.  The child who has a mind of their own and is so creative with it.

I want to help prepare you for the days, weeks, months, possibly years (I haven’t made it that far yet) that are ahead of you.  There are so many joyful things that come along with potty training that you just wouldn’t have expected.  I mean, you already know that in the beginning there will be a few accidents, but oh sweet friend… you don’t really even know.

5 Joys You Can Expect from Potty Training Your Smart/Stubborn/Creative/Willful Child

  1. After the initial accidents on the floor, that occur simply because going on the potty is a brand new concept, your child will CHOOSE to pee on the floor.  Even if they have been successfully using the potty for months without issue, even outside of the house.  They will discover that they do, in fact, have free will.  And they will use this free will to pee everywhere.  On the rugs that are now so disgusting you must now throw them away (you know, the ones you carefully saved for and picked out pre-kids when the thought that one day someone would pee on them never occured to you).  On the floor.  On the couch (that you will ultimately just want to burn because there is no saving that thing…. if you ever come to my house, don’t sit on the beige couch.)  IN THE BATHROOM NEXT TO THE TOILET, BUT ON THE BATHROOM RUGS!!!  Seriously, it’s not an accident at this point, it’s totally behavior.
  2. Your house will smell like PEE.  EVERYWHERE.  You will clean and throw away and disinfect and somehow there will still be a lingering pee scent that you just can’t get rid of.  It’s everywhere.  It’s in the walls.  It may be on the curtains… maybe I should get new curtains.
  3. You will live a significant amount of time without anything cloth in your house that is unable to go directly in the washing machine.  Reasons for this have been mentioned above.  Don’t buy that new rug until that kid is at least 18… maybe even until they are finished with college… your call.
  4. YOU will smell like PEE.  I’m not sure how this happens.  But I’m sure it’s true.  I pull clean clothes straight from the dryer and get to work and I CAN STILL SMELL PEEE.  Gross.  Double gross.  Seriously, probably the worst smell known to man.  And woman.  And dog… probably worse for dogs… or maybe better?  Oh gosh, I have no idea.
  5. Those people on the internet who potty train in 3 days and then they are done are either liars or magicians.  Or their kids are ridiculously not strong-willed and stubborn.  Do those kids exhist?  Can I put in an order for one of those please?
  6. Okay, so I forgot one.  Your child will use this new “potty training” thing you want them to do as leverage.  Bedtime will no longer be a simple routine of bath, teeth, song, story, bed.  Nope.  It’s potty, bath, potty, teeth, potty, song, potty, story, potty, bed, potty, bed, potty, bed, potty, potty, potty, a song about “I’M GOING POTTY!!” … and really only about one of these “potty” times is actually a real instance of doing something on the potty.  Your child knows this.  They will use potty as a reason to not go to bed.  And if you don’t go up and put them on that potty for a significant amount of time until they declare themselves finished, you will have to go back up two minutes later because. they. pooped.

So my suggestion is that instead of potty training we just introduce a new generation of adults who do not know how to use a toilet.  So much simpler.  Think of how much easier long car trips will be….

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If I Only Had a Brain

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“Remember before when I was kinda stupid?  Well, now I’m worser.”  –An excerpt from a real live conversation I had with a friend tonight.

Friends, let me tell you, adulting is hard.  And it requires a lot of brain cells.  And I appear to be lacking a whole lot of them.  I’m not sure if it’s residual ‘mom-brain’, lack of sleep, ridiculous stress, too much coffee (never!), or eating any and all the carbs I see (or smell… I went on a sniffing search today when I smelled chocolate in the hallway and decided I had to find out where it was coming from… but I digress).

Anyway, whatever the cause may be, there is clearly a decrease in brain activity happening over here.  I present you with the data:

  1. I said “worser”.  … Anyone who knows me knows that I get a bit snotty about well grammer and speaking proper.
  2. Yesterday I parked my car at work.  Or so I thought.  I went to get out and the door wouldn’t open.  AND THEN THE CAR STARTED MOVING BACKWARDS!!  I hadn’t actually parked my car.  I moved the gears, took out the key, and STARTED DRIFTING.  The car was in reverse.  I had to restart it and put it back in drive and repark (or park for the first time).  There was an audience.  It was a good moment.
  3. I stood in the lunch line with my students this week and for the life of me couldn’t remember what we were going to be learning about after lunch.  I had the lessons all done, copies made and ready to go.  But I couldn’t remember at all.  It took me 10 minutes.
  4. The English language has become very difficult for me to understand.  If you see me with a confunded (Harry Potter reference!) look on my face, and then watch me blabber on about something that has nothing to do with what you said, I probably had no idea what you said but didn’t realize it.
  5. It’s also become hard for me to speach (I’m leaving this typo, because apparently it’s become difficult to type as well).  A lot of my “intelligent” conversations that really matter have begun to come out in worser stupid.

I can’t be alone in this!  Anyone else adulting with less brain power than you started with?  I want to hear your stories too!

See Barb. See food. See Barb eat food.

Dear World,

I am here today to re-introduce you to a lifestyle/diet that you may have forgotten about.  There all all of these lifestyle changes and diets going around that make promises for you to lose weight and feel great.

Well, let me remind you of a diet that will not fail to keep its promises.  It will do exactly what you would expect.  And I’m sharing this with you based on personal experience.  I have recently re-adopted this lifestyle and the results have been exponential.  No meal prep at all and probably the least expensive lifestyle out there.  Here are the steps I follow for the classic “See-Food” diet.

  1. Begin a stressful season in life.
  2. Eat a brownie because someone brought them to you and it’d be rude not to eat one.
  3. Eat the whole batch.
  4. Make your own batch of brownies.
  5. Eat the whole batch.
  6. Become obsessed with eating.
  7. Be stressed, bored, busy, anxious, overwhelmed, tired, energized, whatever emotion there is basically.
  8. Feed that emotion.
  9. Eat all the food.
  10. See food?  EAT IT!

I can absolutely promise you that with this diet you will get 100% results!  Will they be desired results?  No.  Will they be attractive?  No.  Will your face break out and your stomach be bloated?  YES. Guaranteed.  Will you start craving sugar like it’s going out of style?  Absolutely.

So… no diet advertisement is complete without a before and after…. you’re welcome :).

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This Year Barbara Will…

As a special education teacher, I had to take classes in college that were about writing appropriate goals for students.  “Given  hmmmmm Student will hmmmmm by or over hmmmmmmm” (Thanks Dr. Meese!)

I think that it’s only appropriate that I have goals this year too… Enjoy!

  1.  Given [an IV of coffee] Barbara will [not become jittery, but instead become super human and have all the energy and knowledge available to man kind] by the end of the 2016-2017 school year.
  1. Given [two weeks packed with professional development and teacher meetings] Barbara will [refrain from playing Faculty Meeting Bingo even though without it her head might just explode] by the end of faculty/professional dev week.
  1. Given [five minutes in the morning] Barbara will [write a blog? shower? wash bottles? brush teeth? drink coffee?…. write a blog/drink coffee] over the course of each morning that she is awake BEFORE 5AMMMMMM.
  1. Given [$10 and freedom in the grocery store] Barbara will [buy two bags of Hershey Kisses, eat them, and discover cavities the next morning] by…  over… okay, so my creative brains are running out.  Oh look there’s a two left in the bag!! *Cue Frozen* mmmmmmm choocolate!
  1. Given [a blog idea in the middle of the night and waking up too late to do anything about it in the morning] Barbara will [waste time, let the bottles soak in the sink, not get dressed until the last minute, be okay with yesterday’s makeup, and write the blog because it is OBVIOUSLY much more important than any of those other things] by 7:45 am when the baby sitter gets here and I really do need to get ready for work. 😉

BONUS:  Given [little time to format the blog] Barbara will [let the numbers all say 1 instead of 1-5 because I’m not sure how that happened or how to fix it] by the time she’s run out of things to say.

Goals
Thank you to Pinterest for this pic!  I’m pretty sure I’ll be making one and hanging it in my classroom (not where the kiddos can see obvi 😉 ).

I Don’t See You

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Dear mom whose child is sitting in the middle of the cart return at Kroger, screaming because he can see the carts that have cars attached and you horrible villain want him to sit in the regular cart…. I don’t see you.

Dear mom who is hiding in her kitchen eating an entire batch of cookies that you hid in the freezer so you wouldn’t eat them…. I don’t see you.

Dear mom whose face is covered in “boo-boos” because you fell asleep last night next to the nursing baby without remembering to wash your face…. I kinda don’t want to see you.

Dear mom… those “boo-boos” might also be caused by eating all of those cookies…. just sayin.

Dear mom who went out in public wearing the same leggings and t-shirt you’ve worn for the past 3 days, and you’ve attempted to cover the “dirty laundry” smell with Victoria’s Secret Dream Angels Heavenly (that you may have gotten in high school 12+ years ago and you still haven’t used up the bottle yet… maybe it’s time to start smelling like a grown-up?)… I don’t see you… I might smell you though.

Dear mom who is frantically trying to find just a few minutes in between meetings to pump for your baby… and is now sitting on top of a toilet seat meant for a 5-year-old holding onto the pump hoping nothing spills on your work clothes… I promise I don’t see you (cause that would be creepy).

Dear mom who had to go out and buy mascara full of chemicals because you can’t be in work with it dripping down your face from crying sessions so you had to go out and buy the waterproof kind… When I look in the mirror, I see you.

I don’t see you all the time because I AM YOU, and sometimes I just don’t want to see myself.  BUT I want you to know that we are in this together!  You are not alone in all of the crazy you do every day just to survive.  I’m there too!

 

“You are my refuge and my shield.  I have put my hope in Your Word.” Psalm 119:114

 

Survival Kit: Travel Edition

Okay, so first you need to know that if anyone ever suggests traveling more than 3 hours with two small children in the car… JUST SAY NO!!

But, if you mistakenly say yes, like I did, here are some things you are going to need…

Movies you don’t find annoying.  You will also need something to play these movies on.  We borrowed a DVD player, but you can also use an IPAD.  Our favorites from this trip were…

(We watched Frozen about 20 million gazzillion times…. Do you want to build a snowman?)

Your kid’s favorite toys.  If you’ve read anything in my blog before, you know how much my kid ADORES Mickey Mouse.  And since I was not all about singing the “hot-dog-dance” the entire way to CANADA, we brought his books and stuffed animal.  He loves his look-and-find Mickey Mouse book, and we brought his Mickey stuffed animal for him to perform his musical dance numbers with … we maybe still sang about 902308352 gazillion bazzillion rounds of the hot-dog song. 😦

Muscle Relaxer.  Driving can be lots of fun.  But when you’ve been in the driver’s seat for an extended amount of time than your back and shoulders are going to take a beating.  Husband drove the entire way on our trip (48 hours total there and back).  Before you get mad at me, I did the parenting and climbed from the front to the back of the car the entire trip to calm the baby, feed the baby, play with the toddler, switch the dvd, etc…

But anyway, the best thing we’ve found for helping sore muscles on the trip was…717YSNhERJL._SX425_

This Renewing Body Gelee is basically a cure-all for so many things.  But it helped so much with my husband’s back while we were driving.  I’ve also used it after having a baby and having to sit up while *trying to * sleep during the first 4 weeks.

SNACKS.  Snacks are the magical things that keep you and your little ones happy.  Now is not the time to think (completely) about nutrition.  Pull out the crackers, chocolate milk, lunchables, etc.  Whatever works to keep your littles fed, happy, and QUIET.

Good Company :).  My suggestion here would be this guy… Basically the best travel buddy ever :D.

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