The Joys of Potty Training

Dear Friend,

I heard that you are thinking about starting the potty training process with your dear little angel.  The one who is so smart and seems to pick up on things so quickly.  The child who has a mind of their own and is so creative with it.

I want to help prepare you for the days, weeks, months, possibly years (I haven’t made it that far yet) that are ahead of you.  There are so many joyful things that come along with potty training that you just wouldn’t have expected.  I mean, you already know that in the beginning there will be a few accidents, but oh sweet friend… you don’t really even know.

5 Joys You Can Expect from Potty Training Your Smart/Stubborn/Creative/Willful Child

  1. After the initial accidents on the floor, that occur simply because going on the potty is a brand new concept, your child will CHOOSE to pee on the floor.  Even if they have been successfully using the potty for months without issue, even outside of the house.  They will discover that they do, in fact, have free will.  And they will use this free will to pee everywhere.  On the rugs that are now so disgusting you must now throw them away (you know, the ones you carefully saved for and picked out pre-kids when the thought that one day someone would pee on them never occured to you).  On the floor.  On the couch (that you will ultimately just want to burn because there is no saving that thing…. if you ever come to my house, don’t sit on the beige couch.)  IN THE BATHROOM NEXT TO THE TOILET, BUT ON THE BATHROOM RUGS!!!  Seriously, it’s not an accident at this point, it’s totally behavior.
  2. Your house will smell like PEE.  EVERYWHERE.  You will clean and throw away and disinfect and somehow there will still be a lingering pee scent that you just can’t get rid of.  It’s everywhere.  It’s in the walls.  It may be on the curtains… maybe I should get new curtains.
  3. You will live a significant amount of time without anything cloth in your house that is unable to go directly in the washing machine.  Reasons for this have been mentioned above.  Don’t buy that new rug until that kid is at least 18… maybe even until they are finished with college… your call.
  4. YOU will smell like PEE.  I’m not sure how this happens.  But I’m sure it’s true.  I pull clean clothes straight from the dryer and get to work and I CAN STILL SMELL PEEE.  Gross.  Double gross.  Seriously, probably the worst smell known to man.  And woman.  And dog… probably worse for dogs… or maybe better?  Oh gosh, I have no idea.
  5. Those people on the internet who potty train in 3 days and then they are done are either liars or magicians.  Or their kids are ridiculously not strong-willed and stubborn.  Do those kids exhist?  Can I put in an order for one of those please?
  6. Okay, so I forgot one.  Your child will use this new “potty training” thing you want them to do as leverage.  Bedtime will no longer be a simple routine of bath, teeth, song, story, bed.  Nope.  It’s potty, bath, potty, teeth, potty, song, potty, story, potty, bed, potty, bed, potty, bed, potty, potty, potty, a song about “I’M GOING POTTY!!” … and really only about one of these “potty” times is actually a real instance of doing something on the potty.  Your child knows this.  They will use potty as a reason to not go to bed.  And if you don’t go up and put them on that potty for a significant amount of time until they declare themselves finished, you will have to go back up two minutes later because. they. pooped.

So my suggestion is that instead of potty training we just introduce a new generation of adults who do not know how to use a toilet.  So much simpler.  Think of how much easier long car trips will be….

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Dear Mom, Love Toddler

Dear Mom,

GOOOOD MORRRNNNING!!  Oh, btw, I hate mornings now.  And it’s all your fault so I’m going to be spending the first 20 minutes of the day screaming at you.

Now feed me.  I’d like a banana this morning.  ALL DONE BANANA!  How dare you give me a banana?!  I clearly did not want that.  You must not love me.

I want milk please.  See how kind I was and said please?  Oh wait, this is the wrong cup, I wanted it in the blue cup!  The only way to express my displeasure in this is to throw the cup across the room, splurting milk everywhere as it goes.

You look tired this morning.  I’ll help you make your coffee!!  I’ll push the button!  I know your back hurts, but if you could please lift me to the counter so that I can press the button you already pressed to make the coffee start even though it’s already going.  Yay!!

I want to go potty. … oh wait, you thought when I said that I wanted to go in the actual potty.  Oh no, sweet mom.  I want to sit on the potty and play with the toilet paper and flush handle for 20 minutes, and then poop in my diaper.

So I know you said that because the baby is sleeping we should be quiet, but I had a better idea.  I woke up the baby!!  Now he’s crying hysterically because he wasn’t ready to be awake, BUT we can be as loud as we want!  Isn’t it great!  …. You might want to go take care of him, he seems mad.

Time to go out!!  I want to wear my batman shoes.  And ONLY my batman shoes.  You’ll have to find them or we can’t go anywhere.  BTW, I hid them.

I’m almost ready to get in the car, but I need to find all my buddies first.  Mickey, Second Mickey, Olaf, Sven, Big Bert, My Sock, Tonka Truck, Moose, Your Hair Brush.  What do you mean I can only bring one?!  Fine… I’ll bring Teddy Bear…. but I have to find him first.

Okay, now I’m ready!  Wait… you mean we have to get in the car?!  Well, I’m only do that if you let me drive.  I WANNA DRIIVVEE.  Since you value my safety above my wants, I’m going to make putting me in the car seat a full cardio workout for you today.  You’ve been looking a little squishy lately anyway.  You’re welcome.

Oh hey, Daddy’s home!!  I’m going to go take a 3 hour nap now, at the same exact time as my brother, without any argument.

Love you lots!

Your Toddler.

Dear Mom